Judgegmnt Day: “Your Papers, Please”

This is a poem I wrote after being falsely arrested for DUI after moving to Carlisle.

While driving along late one night,
We happened upon an enticing sight.

A sleek two-door passed me by,
Racing ahead, it wasn’t shy.

A light turned red, and we both stopped,
The light turned green. and away we hopped!

I sped ahead to change my lane,
Sadly, though, it was only in vain.

The car I just beat was just a tease,
The Trooper said, “Your papers, please.

---

I sure seem to have a lot of stories to tell about my encounters with the police for traffic violations.

Often, these were while driving home from chorus practice in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. I don’t know why I was such a magnet for law enforcement. Maybe the led foot?

Anyway, here is what went down late that night.

The Sting

• Michelle and I were traveling North on Hanover Pike just past the Rt. 81 interchange when suddenly, a car appeared behind me on my bumper. It seemed it zoomed right off the exit ramp and had to hit the brakes.
• As the road opened to two lanes—trust me, it’s a weird interchange, merge, and parking access area—the car passed me on the right, raced ahead, and stopped at a traffic light, which had turned red.
• Still in the left lane, I stopped beside what appeared to be a pretty sweet Dodge Charger and was in our Chrysler 200.
• When the light changed to green, I sped ahead to merge into the right lane before my lane ended. Admittedly, I’m engaging the driver of this car. Isn’t that what everyone does?
• I viewed the car’s headlights in my rearview mirror, put on my turn signal, and merged into the right lane.
• To my surprise, the next thing you know, all I see are flashing lights!
• He asked me, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I said no. Is it because my tire chirped when I pulled away from the traffic light? The car has a lot of torque, and if you’re not careful, the tires will squeal—no big deal.
• He said no. You were a bit close to me when you changed lanes. Let me see your license and registration.

Do I Look Suspicious?

• It is important to note that my wife, who was quite inebriated, was in the front seat. She leaned over to announce she was having some trouble finding the requested documents.
• I showed the Pennsylvania State Trooper my driver’s license and told him our documentation was current. He said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ll look it all up back in my car.”
• After a while, he returned and said he needed me to get out of the car. I asked why, and he said he smelled alcohol and told me again to get out of the car.
• Not desiring confrontation, I got out of the car and told him I needed my cane in the back seat. He said it was okay and mentioned the handicap license plate.
• I walked to his car, turned around, and saw him standing inches from me. He said, “Follow my finger with your eyes.” I did so twice, and then he presented the Breathalyzer and said, “I need you to breathe into this.” I said, “Why? Didn’t I just pass your finger test?” He said no, and I quote, “According to my training, you appear sluggish.”
• Then he said if you don’t breathe into it, I will immediately arrest you, and it will cost you $1,000. I blew into the Breathalyzer!
• Taking over a minute to read it, I wondered if he could read at all.
• He finally announces, “Zero point eight three (.083). I’m placing you under arrest”.

Arrested for DUI

• He handcuffed me and placed me in the back of his car. I said you can’t leave my wife on the side of the road in her condition. He said she would have to call somebody.
• So I’m sitting handcuffed in the back of this car and realize it’s a full-blown unmarked police cruiser—with all the bells and whistles!
• Suddenly, the “trooper” opened the door and asked me if he could move my car off the shoulder of the road. What could I say? I said yes, and he drove my car to a parking lot across the street.
• After parking the car, he gave the car keys to my intoxicated wife and drove me to the police station.

He gave the car keys to my intoxicated wife!

Tar & Feathered

• At the police station, I was informed that I would be locked up if I didn’t agree to answer their questions. What the fuck this guy reminded me of some dumb made-for-TV cop.
• I said okay, I’ll answer your questions.
• They read me my rights, took a blood sample, and had me answer a list of entirely senseless questions.
• The poor policewoman found it nearly impossible to take my fingerprints because my fingers were tightly curled up. After about 30 minutes, she was on the phone trying to defend why she was sending such poor-quality results.

A Lack of Judgment

I suffered a lack of judgment when I mistakenly believed the car beside me was some punk in a new Dodge Challenger. In my defense, his aggressive driving persuaded me to feel this way: tailgating, speeding, and passing on the right.

The State Trooper’s Lack of Judgement

• The trooper’s judgment for stopping me is questionable, although I understand it was late, and he needed a traffic stop for his quota.
• He said I cut him off, but why was he tailgating me? Isn’t it common courtesy to slow down when someone in front of you turns on their blinker to change lanes?
• The trooper’s judgment was in question when he accused me of smelling like alcohol. If he did smell alcohol, it would have been on my passenger’s breath when she leaned over to talk to him.
• The trooper’s judgment was questionable, watching me walk back to his car. I believe he already thought I was drunk, not giving any consideration to my disability. According to the trooper’s affidavit, he observed “visible indicators of impairment.”
  Really? Ask my wife how many times people have asked her about my “visible indicators of impairment!”
• I question the trooper’s training in administering the “follow my finger test.” Did his training include how a person would respond if they were diagnosed with a degenerative neurological disorder that weakens all of their muscles, including the eyes? I’m guessing not. His interpretation of this “test” is a failure in judgment, even if due to inadequate training.
• The trooper’s judgment was undoubtedly questioned when he failed to request my consent to take the Breathalyzer test. Instead, he threatened me with immediate arrest and a fine of $1,000 if I refused. I strongly take exception to this.
• The most egregious lack of judgment was when the trooper handed my intoxicated wife the keys to our car. What was he thinking? Why wasn’t he concerned for her safety?
• Because of the State Trooper’s lack of judgment, the trooper should be charged with “careless disregard for the safety of persons or property.” He should be charged with “reckless endangerment,” not me.

Every reason stated by the state trooper in his affidavit for why he arrested me was a fabrication! Poor judgment is not legally competent evidence, and I requested the dismissal of all the charges against me.

Preliminary Hearing

I gave a copy of the above account to my Public Defender. He asked me to give him a minute and left me to talk to the judge.

Upon his return, he said she said if I pleaded guilty to “not obeying traffic lanes,” the court would drop the three (3) separate charges of driving under the influence (DUI). Oh, and I had to pass a drug and alcohol evaluation to prove I wasn’t at risk for more offenses!

Judgment Day: My Day In Court

My hearing was Friday, 2/5/21, but due to COVID-19 restrictions, I faced the judge via Zoom meeting! Now, that is not something you do every day.

I took the plea and was charged with not obeying traffic lanes ($25) and careless driving ($25). The DUI charges were withdrawn!

Cost of Bad Judgement

Traffic Fines:         $ 50.00
Costs and Restitution: $352.70
Convenience Fee:       $  2.75
Total Amount Due:      $405.25

What the *uck is restitution? At least I am happy because otherwise, I’d be facing thousands of dollars in penalties.

Here is a story about my first traffic stop (in my dad’s Mercedes).

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